Dundee United 1 - Hamilton Academical 3-6-1

O no no no! I was at the game, and if Mr. Levein thinks he can get away with that kind of talk, he’s simply wrong. I am, essentially, a fan of the Dundee United manager. I remember even his curtailed Scotland career as a source of disappointment. I certainly believe that he is a good manager. I support his sometimes brave stance on the perceived biases of referees in Scotland and would like to hear answers about it. But he can’t get away with slagging off other teams.

I was there; I saw the whole sorry scene unfold. Hamilton Accademical (say it aloud! Doesn’t Scotland have the best names for football teams? Queen of the South, Heart of Midlothian, Forfar Athletic. And we’re still coining them: Inverness Caledonian Thistle) were in the lead, against the run of play, after 8 minutes through Richard Offiong. Lee Wilkie later claimed that Stuart Mensing was offside before he set up the remarkable Offiong, although given that his man was the one who slotted into an open net, he may be wise in directing attention elsewhere. Nevermind, my friends and I thought: United are the better side, they will score a couple. 3-1 seems like a fair result at this stage.

Instead United decided to try and show their superiority to these ‘First Division Rejects’ – surely the best/worst heckle for a newly-promoted side ever – by challenging them to a game of 3rd Division football. And I am aware that now since Stevie Murray now plays for Dumbarton that that is an insult to the 3rd Division. This ancient sport recalls the origins of the Beautiful Game – tribal warfare – and consists of running very fast towards a football, kicking it as hard as you can off the player nearest you. This causes, more often than not, the ball to float high in the air off the shins of an opponent. At this point, players rush madly to where they think the ball ought to bounce and bump into each other. The referee will then award a free kick to one or other of the two teams at random, who then have the chance to pump the ball to the opposition keeper. He catches it, kicks it back into the middle of the park and the whole sequence begins again. This is the sort of encounter that Johnny Foreigner doesn’t fancy.

Now, it seems that Levein doesn’t fancy that sort of game much either. It’s not football, he says. Well, Craig, it is. It is, and what’s more, it is a sort of football that has been the foundation of careers of players - like o, maybe, Craig Levein? – for generations. It isn’t pretty, certainly. It’s not like watching Brazil. It won’t feature in a music video. But to complain that Hamilton are not set up so that Sandaza can sand dance his way round them is petty, at best.

‘When a team sets up 3-6-1, that’s disappointing.’ No, Craig. That the people of the Middle East can’t find a lasting peace, that’s disappointing. It’s disappointing that our government took us into a war that we weren’t willing to fight. It’s disappointing that my breakfast was not served to me on a doily by a roller-skating panda. That Hamilton Academical arrived for a tricky away fixture, finding themselves bottom of the league, against a team who want European football next year, is entirely predictable. The fact is that United seemed unwilling, or unable to get past a belligerent Accies side who, let’s not forget, scored first. The Tangerines lost their football skills and their heads as they pointed to players after their first win in 10 and screamed about timewasting to one of the most inept group of match officials I have ever seen.

So if Craig wants to moan, maybe he should be looking at his players and questioning why they had no more inventiveness and creativity and not complaining that Hamilton didn’t do the sporting thing and lose 5-1.

Perhaps the last word should go to Billy Reid, who has his own theory about why Levein is so mad. ‘We’ve taken 4 points from 6 against them this season.’